Trying to figure things out

If you read my last post titled unwell or depression. You would know that in the end of it I thought maybe my sick feeling was more mental than physical.

My boyfriend and I went out for dinner at his parents house tonight. Now I don’t really feel well after eating. Although besides feeling sick right now I’ve had a really good day.

I woke up early and went to my job interview (hoping it goes well) which was good. It’s not exactly the job I’m looking for but it will do for the time being.

I did a little bit of shopping afterwards then I came home and was for the first time this week productive!

I sat down and organised what I needed to do for the rest of the week. I made a to do list for cleaning, I’ve set goals for my study as it started to overwhelm me. I really should be starting my cleaning list since it’s started to cool down (summer here in Australia, got to 46 degrees today).

I’ve really being trying to figure out how to be organised so I’m hoping with what I sorted out today that will help. I feel like I’m one of those people who needs a checklist, to have it all written out in front of me. I feel like if I try and do it all in my head it’s easier for me to be like no I’ll do it later or just forget about it.

Well I know this isn’t very exciting to read or anything but I just wanted to let you all know I’m getting there. For example as I said before I need to written out in front of me, I believe if I tell you something I’m going to stick to it too.

Anyways, I might sit down to a cup of tea and try to make my stomach feel better before I tackle at least one thing on my to do list for cleaning.

I hope you are having a good day. Thank you for reading.

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Unwell or Depression?

So I haven’t heard back from the last job interview I mentioned in a previous post. Which is a bit of a bummer as I would have liked it. On the plus side I have an interview for a cleaning job tomorrow morning. I’m hoping so much I get it, I hate being out of work it’s so boring!

I think not working has played a major toll on my mental health. (Not think, I know it has.) I have days were I love being at home with no one around and only seeing the people I live with when they finish work. It means time to myself and I can do whatever I want without people around. Though some days I hate it, I get lonely and bored. When everyone gets home from work I still feel lonely because I’ve spent most of my time alone.

Oh, but then again when everyone is on weekends and stuff I start to get over it. I like my ‘me’ time. It’s so hard to explain.

Also as I said in my last post or the one before hand I haven’t been feeling well. I still don’t feel well. I don’t know if I should go see a doctor or not.

Today has just been one of those days where I have no energy and my body feels weak (I think that’s part of my sickness) but in my head I want to be productive! I want to get up and clean, do some study and go for a walk but everything inside of me just feels like I can’t. I struggled to shower, I always believe a shower will make you feel better. In my head it did, it made me want to be productive but my body just says no.

Question, more so for me but I suppose you can answer it too. Is my body’s reaction like feeling weak, not wanting to eat because it makes me feel sick just because my mental health isn’t well at the moment. Ahhhh, I don’t know.

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 12. You would think by now I would know my warning signs. Ok, I think I’ve come to the decision to go see the doctor.

Thank you for the chat, even though it was just me. But thank you for reading and joining in on my thoughts. I hope you are well.

Please like, follow and comment if you think I’m on the right path visiting a doctor.

Help me become organised?

Since as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be organised, to have everything neat, functional and nice. Although it’s something I’ve always wanted, it’s something I’ve always struggled with.

I wish I knew how to be organised. How to have everything perfectly set out. But… I don’t know how too!

I literally spend hours upon hours on Pinterest looking at things but I never have what I need or the space. Does anyone have any tips? Even if it’s how to create a new habit. (That’s also something I struggle with.)

My dream is to have a home that’s spotless, neat and organised. To have an office that’s functional, organised and neat.

Does anyone have any inspiration? Photos? Tips? Printables? Oh how I love printables!

I’m sorry this isn’t much of a normal post. I’ve just been sitting in my office going through box after box not knowing where to start or how to have everything.

Thank you in advance. Please follow, like and comment help for me.

Backwards day

Today has been such a backwards day! I woke up so late (almost lunch time). When I woke up all I wanted to do was just lay in bed, my body felt so weak.

It wasn’t until around 7-7:30pm when I felt well enough to get up and do something. So I started off cleaning up the kitchen, went into the spare room and started sort through some boxes and lastly in the bedroom I started to put away some clothes and tidy up.

Right now it’s 9pm and it’s the most awake I have felt all day! It’s so crazy to me. I really hope I can get myself to sleep tonight.

I’m actually really excited because my dad and his wife are coming up within the next two weeks for the first time. Which means I want this house spotless. (It actually gives me motivation to clean all the places I’ve been avoiding since moving in here).

Oh and guess what. My shower head broke the other day, so hopefully that’s fixed before they arrive or else it’s one handed showers for them too.

I’ve never had this problem happen to me with the shower. I can honestly say I have never had shampoo and conditioner in my eyes so much. (Maybe I’m just uncoordinated).

Also, since it’s the first time I’ve really felt well enough to get out of bed today. I realised I have no milk for my cup of tea. It was really disappointing. Oh! Fun fact, I use to drink so much coffee a day. Like an unhealthy amount to the point I considered myself addicted to it. It was literally 10 cups of coffee or more a day! But now I barely drink it. (I still drink coffee with my mum because she always makes the best coffee). Other than that I drink tea now. And I can go days! Weeks! Without drinking tea or coffee. Yes it may seem like not a big deal to you but it is for me.

Always, I thought I would just drop in. I haven’t been writing lately as I just haven’t been well. Also, please check out my last couple of post as I feel no one has read them.

I hope you have a goodnight, please follow, like and comment how your day has been.

Controlling?

I literally feel like the worse person in the world right now.

I feel like everything is just crumbling around me and I’m the one causing it all. I am like the monster I use to be scared of. That’s who I’ve become?

I had one of the biggest arguments I’ve ever had with my boyfriend. I 100% understand I’m not mentally ok at the moment and yes I’m emotional. But never in my life have I thought of myself as controlling.

Within this fight, I saw it. I have become controlling. I told him he isn’t allowed to do something for the fact that I don’t like it.

We have had small arguments about this issue for months but tonight’s fight just made me realise that I can’t control it. Which that makes me soooo soooo mad. I know it shouldn’t, be your own individual. But I can’t get my head around it.

I’ve tried to compromise, reason. Maybe it’s the fact that every small argument he says he’ll do this or that but it doesn’t come true. He doesn’t stick with his word which makes it 100 times worse in my head. Like I’m ok if he wants to do what he wants every now and then but not when it comes such a big part of day to day life.

What do I do? I honestly have no idea. I feel like he is better off without me here. For the fact that no one should have to be controlled. Honestly I hate myself for becoming that kind of person.

It’s hard selfishly I don’t want to let him go but maybe it’s what’s best for him…

hopefully he wants to talk to me about it soon. I hate going to sleep feeling like this..

How well do we really know ourselves?

As some of you might know and well some are about to learn. I’m currently studying my Diploma of Community Services.

Within one of my units they asked us to take this quiz/test (I don’t know the best word to describe it). Anyways, we all got handed pages and pages of a worksheet that read “Self Awareness Who I Am?”. With questions for example;

  • What are your greatest talents or skills?
  • What are ten things that are really important to you?
  • How is the “public you” different from the “private you”?
  • How do you want to impact the lives of others?

There were 12 pages of just question after question, although the last couple of pages weren’t questions it was finish the sentence. For example;

  • I do my best when….
  • I feel stressed when…
  • Being myself is hard because…
  • Life should be about…

I literally stared at these pages over and over for an hour. I could only answer 5 maybe 6 questions. Although, I want to talk about one question that I did answer.

The question was: What are the three most important things to you?

Yeah, easy right. I answered what the three most important things are to me and it was. 1)Family 2)Happiness 3)Health. My trainer looked over my shoulder at my answered question. She picked up my papers and got the groups attention. On a test about myself, I answered a question wrong. Honestly, at the start when she said that I didn’t understand. Its about me isn’t it? how can you tell me I am wrong?

She told me and the whole group, the question “What are the three most important things to you?” and she started to read my answers, like above family, happiness and health. She asked the group if they answered differently to me. Many had similar or even the exact same, she told us we were all wrong. The correct answer should be, 1)You 2)You and lastly 3)You.

Still to this day I don’t fully understand, I understand that for at least 1 of 3 points I should’ve put myself but narrowing it down to 3 was hard. Although I must admit putting myself on that list didn’t even cross my mind.

I never realised how much I don’t know about myself, how much I need to find myself. Which was actually one of the many reasons I decided to start this page.

So, please comment below as I am really curious. What are the three most important things to you?

Thank you for reading, please like, follow and comment with your answer.